Understanding
the Grieving Process
Since
it's impossible to address all of the possible things around which one might
experience grief and loss, given that each of us has different things in our
life that we find very meaningful, the remainder of this page will focus on the death of a loved
one. Although the circumstances may be different, in terms of your loss,
perhaps you'll be able to translate what is discussed in this page to your
own loss experience and find it helpful.
Moving
Through Grief
The first thing to understand
about the “healthy” or “best way” to
move through grief is that there is no correct way to apply to everyone.
In addition to individual differences around the way people grieve, we must also
consider how many different cultural attitudes toward emotion and loss are
represented in our society. A lot of what most Americans understand about
things of an emotional nature is informed by a long history of emphasizing
Euro-American values and cultural traits. Over the last few decades we
have become increasingly aware of a diverse range cultural attitudes that
dictate what is "normal" and what is "abnormal". So,
more important than the question of "Am I grieving in a healthy or normal
way?" is the question "How do I grieve?". The most important thing for
"healthy grieving", therefore, is letting one’s self
become acquainted with how he/she grieves.
There are common experiences that many people go through,
across cultures, and it may be
helpful to know these so you can recognize them in you--- if and when they occur.
However, the most important thing to remember is that when you’re
grieving, you must do so at your own pace, with the emotions that you feel, and in
the order of emotions and experiences as they emerge within you.
Some
Common Grief Reactions
Denial
– The term denial has
some unfortunate connotations attached to it.
To say “He’s in denial” often seems to imply “He’s refusing to
accept reality.” This is not a helpful way for one who is grieving to view his/her experience.
Rather, being “in denial” is better defined as “still so unfamiliar with
life without the loved one that it simply doesn’t seem real.”
When you consider a college student who is 21 years old losing a parent,
for example, you come to realize that for this student's entire life,
living inherently included this parent. Life
has never existed without this basic truth and, emotionally,
it makes less sense
to “believe the facts”
than it does to say
“it can’t be true.”
Therefore, people often experiencing grief respond by
saying just that: “it’s
not true.” Sometimes, they refuse
to believe it intellectually and need to “see the body” or “look again for
the cherished ring” or “continue returning to the site of a valued place
(house, childhood playground, etc). More
often, individuals acknowledge the actual loss but struggle because they don’t
feel the sadness. This can be
very troubling for people who may complain, “I didn’t even cry at the
funeral. I couldn’t,” which
leads them to feeling very guilty or ashamed because they confuse this denial experience with not
loving the person or thing they lost as much as they believed or as much as
they should.
These are simply all forms of denial and, unless sustained to the degree that
impacts one's productivity in life, they are all perfectly normal and healthy
reactions to a loss.
Anger: In our society, we’re
taught in so many ways that anger is bad. People,
and women in particular, are socialized to keep angry feelings inside to avoid
hurting others or making difficult matters even worse.
However, anger is as legitimate an emotion as any other, including love,
sadness, fear, and confusion. Unfortunately,
people often act in harmful ways when they are angry: saying mean things,
physically becoming destructive or even assaultive.
But these actions are not emotions; anger is an emotion and is perfectly
appropriate when a person experiences a loss.
When something we value is taken away from us, it is not at all
inappropriate to get mad about it. However,
the U.S. has been very heavily influenced by western European cultural assumptions about grief and loss, particularly of a loved
one; This leads to social expectations of stoic and solemn reactions which
are applauded when,
psychologically, anger makes the most sense.
Sometimes, anger is experienced
toward the loved one who has died, and
this often results in a lot of guilt. It
is important to keep in mind that emotions are not rationale.
Our feelings are like children who do not always understand complex
realities of life such as illness, unexpected tragedy, and the sudden
disappearance of something that was always there.
As illogical as it may seem, being angry at the loved one for
“leaving” makes perfect emotional sense.
Other times, the loss of a loved one leads to difficulties for loved ones
left behind: financial problems, loss of the functions in day to day life that
the loved one performed, and the wreckage of many loved ones in the pain of
grief can all lead to very understandable anger. While
it may seem insensitive to be angry at the loved one for having died, an
existential anger about the fact that life is now more difficult
is natural.
One way to think about anger is that, when the loved one was alive, there
may have been times that you “took your anger” out on that person whether it
was deserved or not. That
phenomena can occur in the context of grief and loss, as well.
Sad: Feeling sad is one of the
most common ways in which we experience grief.
It is also
the most expected. Nevertheless,
people often struggle with the sadness. At
times, one who is suffering a loss feels they are not sad enough, or they are so
sad it feels overwhelming, or they feel they’ve been sad for too long after a
loss. As with the other emotional
reactions to grief, there should not be any rules that govern how one
experiences sadness. Other times, a
person may be struggling a great deal with sadness, but may not recognize the
sadness. This is common for
individuals who have suffered a loss of something that society doesn't typically
regard as something to grieve over.
For example, following the end of a period of life, such as high school, of
after losing an object of great sentimental value, or moving to a different home
all can bring about
sadness in ways that aren’t immediately recognizable.
This is also true for someone who suffered the loss of a loved one quite
some time ago. Noticing low
motivation, your mind wandering
aimlessly more often than is usual, less interest in activities as usual---
these may all be indications that you are sad in grieving but not in touch with
the connection between your feeling sad and having suffered a loss.
Scared:
Being afraid is yet another perfectly understandable reaction to loss.
Many things may emerge that are frightening, following the loss of a loved one.
Simply the unfamiliarity of life without the loved one can by scary. "I've never not had him in my life. What will I do?"
or "But she's always been there! How will I get on without her?"
are common and healthy reactions to loss. Often these are not simply
existential questions, but practical reality. When the loved one served an
important role in your life that you were always somewhat dependent on him/her
for, it can be scary to wonder how you will meet your needs. Whether they
are in terms of finances, emotional support, domestic partnerships, or any other
aspect of life, to suddenly be more "on your own" than you were before
is frightening, and it's a normal part of grieving.
Calm:
At times, a person is confused about the fact that they experience a sense of
calm following a loss that they would have expected to cause a tremendous
pain. This is especially true for someone who has lost someone or
something very important to them but were able to anticipate the
loss. The death of a loved one who suffered with a terminal illness
is a common example. Often the eventual loss is really not the beginning
of the loss because the grieving began while the person was still alive. Knowing
the person is no longer suffering can bring a sense of calm, but the calm may be
confusing because many people expect grief to be a very agitated kind of
pain. Other times, the calm can occur as a sort of temporary numbing to
the pain because it's too much to handle at the time. As with the other
common reactions to loss, experiencing calm is natural and simply one of various
reactions one will move through as they recover from the drastic change of no
longer having physical presence of the loved one in every day life.
Integration:
Eventually, a person who has suffered a loss reaches the point where they are
able to integrate the memory of what was lost, recognize the many subtle and
overt ways in which they still have that which was lost, but in different ways
(sometimes richer ways). It is not uncommon for a person, for example, to
enjoy a deeper love and relationship with someone they lost after the death of
that person. It becomes a much more spiritual or deeply personal
relationship, but of tremendous love and value. In other circumstances,
there may have been a difficult relationship with the loved one who has died,
and the combination of anger, guilt, sadness, and confusion around the
relationship reaches a resolution after the person has died and the grief
process sheds some light on the meaning that person held in one's life.
Integration, in the end, refers to seeing how life continues even after a
significant aspect of life has changed in the way that it is active in one's
life. In other words, integration is the reaction to grief that grasps
that loss is not really about losing something in one's life completely, but
more about changing how it adds to one's life.
Getting
Stuck
While
each person does move through grief in their own way, it is possible to get
stuck in any aspect of grieving and risk slipping into something more serious
that has the potential to disrupt the continuation of your life. Grief
is, if nothing else,
a moving process. However slow or fast a
process is determined by each person's unique way of being, but movement is
inherent in living---even with grief.
Often
individuals
become immobile, within any of these normal aspects of grieving.
In essence, then, the emotions associated with the other aspects of grieving, are left
unattended. This immobility can produce any of a number of difficulties
that will impair a person's ability to continue living a productive and
satisfying life.
A
person who is no longer moving through the sadness, but stagnant in that
experience, he or she can slip into a
major depression. This is a difficult thing to assess at any given
moment because the symptoms of depression are quite similar to the normal
reactions of grief for a person who is in the phase of grieving that is
characterized by a lot of sadness. But sadness is not the same as
depression, although it is experienced by depressed persons. Depression
can be debilitating and dangerous if it includes suicidal ideas or
gestures.
When
the person is experiencing the fear that is normal and expected within the
grieving process but has difficulty understanding those feelings enough to be
able to move through them, anxiety attacks may surface. To some degree,
this is also something that one might expect in grieving. However, this
could evolve into a persistent problem in that severe
anxiety or
threats of extreme anxiety attacks
become debilitating.
Similarly,
the anger that is normal and expected when one suffers a loss can evolve into
something much more problematic. This is especially true for someone who
may have struggled with problems with anger in the past or for younger
adolescents who may not have had enough life experience to manage some complex
emotions. Persistent irritability can erupt into more volatile behavior,
including violent acts or an increase in aggressive behavior.
A much more subtle, but equally profound, difficulty that can emerge from
complicated bereavement is difficulty with
intimacy. Remaining
stuck in either the denial or calmness reactions of grieving can result in the
building of barriers to intimacy.
Such problems may be difficult to recognize because they are quite subtle and
take much longer before they are recognized as a problem. Also, it is the
most logical reaction to a painful grieving period: building a wall that will
prevent me from deeply loving and needing someone that could be taken
away. To love another after experiencing a significant loss is to risk
feeling all these things over again. However, as human beings, we will
always have social needs and blocking them also blocks us from leading
fulfilling lives.
Those who have lost a romantic partner or a spouse are
especially vulnerable to developing intimacy difficulties. First of all,
there is a social expectation that one will grieve for an extended period.
In many cultures, a widow or widower goes through a socially mandated specific
time period before finding someone else to share life with is even permitted.
So, by the time a person would be expected to "fall in love again",
intimacy difficulties may have developed and not being able "to let go and
have feelings for someone" isn't always recognized immediately as related
to the grieving.
Sometimes, when a person is not grieving the loss of a
romantic partner or spouse, they may still encounter difficulties because the
numbness they used to get through the loss took over all feelings. Couples
often experience difficulties in their relationships when one of the persons in
the relationship has suffered a loss. Complaints of "pulling
away" or "having a wall up" often emerge and may be related to
being stuck in any of the grieving experiences. Until the feelings around
the loss have been given expression and resolution, they may take over feelings
in other life arenas.
If you feel stuck in
your grieving, it may be helpful to seek professional support. Staff
at the Counseling Center are trained to help you understand your own movement
through a painful loss and help you find your healthy pace once again.
Contact us if we can help you carry the meaning of your loved one into the
remainder of your life.
The
Counseling Center
106 Courtland Street
Monday - Friday Open From 9am - 5:pm
(Evening Hours Available on Tuesdays When Classes are in Session)
404-651-2211
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